Cripes
I was sitting around wondering why I don’t care anymore when I began to wonder why it is that I spend so much time pretending and convincing myself that I don’t care anymore. Someone close to me recently, and not for the first time, pointed out that in fact I do obviously care, and care a great deal. Others have said the same, all too frequently, as I try to convince them otherwise.
Do I really? It would certainly seem so. I spent four years studying theology, and hardly intend to use that degree at the moment (due largely to my lack of conviction). Yet even a few hours ago today I was thinking that I should pick up some John Wesley and Thomas Merton at the library tomorrow. I probably will.
There is a part of me that wants to figure out what is actually going on here. This is not easy to do. As I am both constantly occupied with questions of religion, ethics, God, life, death, the void, and the bloody golden souls of man, and simultaneously trying to convince myself that I don’t really give a damn about any of it, it is difficult to face the issue directly. What am I doing? What is this struggle? Why do I care? Why can’t I just let it go?
And why, for Christ’s sake, did I decide to write about it at 3 in the morning?
What’s done is done. Go forth into the world, my little entry, and be gone with you!
njero said,
Apr 7, 08:24 #
Three in the morning eh? You damn well better be awake enough to carry on the conversation when I get there. You have an hour and a half punk.
Brad said,
Apr 7, 09:59 #
I feel your pain. After 4 years in anthropology/archaeology I want nothing to do with pure cultural anthropology and archaeology is both saturated and woefully beurocratic. I have no idea where to go next either.
Tartski said,
Apr 7, 14:14 #
You yourself said you have nowhere else to go. Studying it has prevented you from believing unthinkingly in any of it. One thought leads to another, and after a few seconds a hurricane of the mind is brewing. Ignorance is bliss, ignorance allows a simple faith.
Like I said to you earlier this week, once you study this stuff, you’re hooked. Until you actually don’t care. It’s sort of like trying to forget a girl you’re no longer with—the very act of trying reinforces the fact that you’re attached, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
My advice to you, if you really want to let go, is not to starve yourself, but rather eat at other restaurants, find enjoyment and satisfaction in other pursuits. I’ll bet if you started studying medicine, the drive would quickly fade away.
theburdman said,
Apr 9, 13:21 #
hmm… I don’t entirely agree with Ivan’s analysis of the situation… I think that the type of material we are dealing with has something that is intriguing about it especially once you have gained some familiarity with some of the scholars. I don’t think that this sense of intrigue is exclusive to theology (or philosophy for that matter) but there are some elements in asking the questions about life, death, the void, and the bloody golden souls of man, that theology seems to have a monopoly on.
keira said,
Apr 10, 17:13 #
Yes . . . it seems a similar scenario to those people who don’t believe in God and yet are very very angry at him – usually for not being who they think he should be. It just makes you think a little.
I liked what Ivan said about restaurants . . . thus I shall steal his metaphor: I sampled some buffets last year and it’s what actually propelled me back to my original favorite (Christianity). The food was interesting and tasty, but the kitchen was rather sketchy and I think there were cockroaches in the back of the refrigerator.
And 3:00 am is prime time for an existential crisis. Or any crisis, really.
steph said,
Apr 11, 18:30 #
it could be that what we care about most in life is likewise the one thing we try to most convince ourselves that we don’t care about at all…because, really, caring about something – truly caring and yearning and deeply, honestly, truly, selflessly, completely caring – involves more suffering then it seems we can handle
Tristan said,
Apr 12, 19:48 #
Ivan: the anxiety, or obsession, I am referring to is not primarily academic. I chose my field of study due to my pre-existing bugaboos.
Andrew: as you say, the field of preoccupation is one that theology stands a privileged position to behold, hence my pursuit of it.
Keira: I hope I am not one of those people, but perhaps I am in many ways. I try to think of this as little as I can, which is probably a sign.
Steph: that’s exactly it. Exactly.
steph said,
Apr 13, 21:30 #
exactly indeed. i know this….because it is so apparent in the lives of everyone around me. And it is especially apparent in myself. True care and devotion to something – anything, whether it be a person or an idea or a tangible thing (for lack of better word) – is painful and sufferable because it puts vulnerable…and vulnerable to something outside ourselves. And, simply put (realizing this is quite a socialist thought as well), because it enables us (or chains us, depending on how you look at it) to make something more important and more of a priority than the Self…something that is very counter to what Human Nature is and seeks to be…something that causes suffering because, really, it means going against what the Human Nature dictates as acceptable, as significant, as a protection for Self.
The only reedemable part, and how precious it is, is that it is worth it.
steph said,
Apr 13, 21:37 #
Correction:
“is painful and sufferable because it puts vulnerable…and vulnerable to something outside ourselves”
is supposed to read:
“is painful and sufferable because it makes us go against the Human Nature and become vulnerable…and vulnerable to something outside ourselves.”
Small expansion: Vulnerability is completely counter to existance, at least according to what Nature exemplifies. Nothing in the wild makes itself vulnerable…be it animal or flower or vegetation. Everything covers and hides itself to protect, or, if it is strong enough, fights. For Nature, for the wild, surrender to vulnerablility just does not occur for surviving life.
Tartski said,
Apr 15, 15:33 #
I didn’t mean the anxiety itself was academic, I mean that being around that stuff precipitates anxiety. But from the sounds of it, I am barking up the wrong tree anyway. So I will just read and think.